Cruise Control and Lessons from GOD

Okay, I have to be transparent . . .

About two weeks ago the cruise control went out on my car. You need to understand that I really love my cruise control. I am a spoiled American brat. Three things I feel I must have in a car is air conditioning, heating and cruise control.

I really like using cruise control. I use cruise control in the city. I use cruise control on winding and curvy roads. I use cruise control on the interstate on long trips and on short trips. I use cruise control a lot.

I found a company that specializes in working on electronic problems with cars. They asked that I make an appointment to bring the car in. Making an appointment translates to me: "I make an appointment, take my car in at that specific time, I wait while they repair whatever is wrong, I pay for the service and I drive away." Making an appointment to them translates: "You make an appointment to bring the car in and then you leave the car with them for the entire day."

I was not aware of the miscommunication until I took the car in at the specific time of my appointment. I was not prepared to hear the lady on the other side of the counter tell me that I had to leave the car for the entire day. I had not made any arrangements for another vehicle for that day and I had a full day planned for ministry. After all, I am helping GOD save the world. I could not leave my car there for the entire day.

I became angry and clearly expressed my disappointment to this lady. I felt I had been treated unfairly. I simply could not believe they could not instantly and cheaply repair my cruise control. I thought how busy I was and how important my ministry was.

I abruptly left that business feeling justified in my anger. I thought that I would bring my car back another day, but I certainly wasn't happy about it. It didn't even cross my mind that I was living in ministry at that very moment and I blew it big time.

I drove my car for about a week without cruise contro enduring great suffering and pain. My son, Shad, replaced the burned out brake light bulbs and also checked the fuse for the cruise crontrol but found it to be okay. The fuse was not the problem. On the way home that night I prayed and asked the LORD to "heal" my cruise control. Silly, I know!

On the following day I began my journey to Richmond, KY, to preach the truth of who GOD is and His provision. I was dreading the trip because I was going to have to drive all the way without my beloved cruise control. Once I got on the the state highway to cross over into Kentucky I thought I would just try the cruise control. To my surprise and shock, it worked! I began praising GOD in a big way!

Later, as I was sharing this story with a friend, the LORD spoke to me clearly and showed me what I had done. I had responded to the lady at the car repair business out of my flesh. Also, I had been living in unbelief. I did not respond to GOD with the reality of His presence and what He was doing at the moment. I missed an opportunity to show the life of Christ Jesus to these creatures of GOD. And, He protected me from spending several hundred dollars in having the cruise control repaired because it really wasn't about the cruise control.

In this article I needed to confess my sinful behavior, my attitude of unbelief and my heart of pride and love for worldly luxury. I repent, AGAIN! I have been reminded once again that the LORD is present in all circumstances, big or small, and I desire to see what He is doiing and hear what He is saying in every circumstance, big or small.

I praise His glorious name for healing my cruise control and for showing me more of His purposes for my life. I also thank the LORD for contiuing to reveal my love for this material world and my addiction to my flesh so that I can come to repentance daily.

"Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for My sake will find it" (Matthew 10:39).

How silly and childish . . . LORD have mercy,
Richard Holloman

A Journal Entry from a Fellow Warrior Fighting the Fight for Faith

I desire to be authentic in my journey as I travel what we call life in this foreign land. I feel led to do this so that those of you who do not deal with same-sex attraction issues might have better understanding of those who do and so that you might have a better understanding of how you can reach out to them in a redemptive way. Also, I feel we often think we are the only ones who struggle in certain ways or we are the only ones who deal with certain things. I want you to know you are not alone with your own struggles and needs. So, I am willing to remove my mask and be transparent and vulnerable. I feel this is the call that GOD has put on my life and I feel it is His call to the authentic Church (Hebrews 10:19-25; This is a Romans 7 experience.)

A major struggle that individuals who are impacted by same-sex attraction issues experience is a deep sense of loneliness. This is certainly one of my on-going battles. Oh, the LORD has blessed me with an incredibly wonderful family and He has given me some wonderful friends and I am deeply grateful.

This is a longing that comes from the depths of my soul that can only be satisfied by GOD Who is Sovereign Creator and Lover of My Soul. I believe I experience this longing primarily because GOD put it in me in order to pursue Him and to know Him relationally and intimately. Other factors that contribute to it are the woundings from early childhood developmental years which also contribute to low self-esteem and believing a lie that I am unacceptable and unloveable but even there GOD ordained it to be so.

In times when my flesh is weak and frail (as it is often) I walk in unbelief and attempt to meet these inner longings with the offerings of this world. But none of these worldly offerings bring complete ultimate satisfaction. Please understand I am not speaking about mere sexual longings and pleasure. We make attempts for peace and satisfaction in many ways other than through sexual expression.

The LORD is pursuing us (Hosea, Song of Solomon) to enter into a a holy and wild intimate relationship with Him that will completely fill our deepest longings. Nothing in this world will or can. Oh, but we continue to walk in battle because the Enemy is also pursuing us with his lies and deception and he knows just what buttons to push.

So, we are in spiritual warfare. The crux of the warfare centers around who do we believe. Are we believing the lies of the Enemy? Or, are we walking in belief about who GOD is and who He has declared that we are in Christ Jesus? We must go to GOD's word and ask, "LORD, Who are You in this circumstance?" We go to God's word not to gain intellectual understanding but to relationally know who GOD is and to hear who He is declaring we are in Christ.

My heart and my soul is passionately and deeply crying in pain for ultimate peace and love. GOD hears my cry: "From the end of the earth I call to You when my heart is faint; Lead me to the Rock that is higher than I. For You have been a Refuge for me, a Tower of Strength against the enemy. Let me dwell in Your tent forever; Let me take refuge in the shelter of Your wings" (Psalm 61:1-4). . . and he answers! Let's not stop crying out to Him. He is Faithful and He fulfills every promise. We can trust Him. He will listen and He will hear and He will answer (Jeremiah 29:12-13).

While driving home last night after dinner with a friend I listened to the Brooklyn Tab cd, "Hallelujah! The Very Best of the Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir."


"My Help" by The Brooklyn Tab

I will lift up mine eyes to the hills
From whence cometh my help
My help cometh from the Lord
The Lord Which made heaven and earth
He said, He will not suffer thy foot; thy foot to be moved
The Lord Which keepeth thee
He will not slumber nor sleep
For the Lord is thy keeper
The Lord is thy shade upon thy right hand
Upon thy right hand
For the sun shall not smite thee by day
Nor the moon by night
He shall preserve thy soul
Even forever more

CHORUS

My help,
My help
My help,
All of my help
Cometh from the Lord

Longing for Home and Fighting the Difficult Battle to Believe,
Richard Holloman

How Long, O LORD?

WOW! This speaks to the process or the Great Adventure that we are on in this life. I keep referring to this long-term process that defines the process of healing associated with most people who battle against same-sex attraction issues. Most want an immediate instantaneous zap from GOD. Though the LORD may do that very thing in some cases, my experience has been that it is a long-term process of healing and spiritual maturation.

Please don’t misunderstand me here. Though I believe in this process I do not mean to say it is a miserable burdensome process. Though it is not easy (does dying to self – DEATH to self – sound like fun & easy?) and it is on-going, it is also glorious and the reward is worth EVERY moment of the battle. We have been created by GOD and for GOD and He is calling us to an eternal destiny. This world is not our home. I am longing for my true home – that eternal destiny – and it has already begun.

It has been through this journey that the LORD is teaching me more about WHO He is and who I am in Christ. It has been through this journey that I am coming to learn (not so much intellectually but spiritual learning in my heart and spirit) about what it means to have an authentic intimate love relationship with GOD as opposed to simply being religious or simply being a typical Christian caught up in law and works and striving.

PLEASE READ THE DEVOTIONAL BELOW by John Elderedge

I THANK GOD FOR THE WONDERFUL PROCESS AND JOURNEY! It is all for His glory!

Truly, truly, GOD is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him! – Piper

Resting in Him,
Richard Holloman


March 14, 2010
“How Long, O Lord?”
When God comes to call Jeremiah to be his prophet of hard sayings to Judah, Jeremiah protests, saying, “‘Ah, Sovereign LORD . . . I do not know how to speak; I am only a child.’ But the LORD said to me, ‘Do not say, “I am only a child.” You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I command you. Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you,’ declares the LORD” (Jer. 1:6–8).

God is saying that these things will be done through Jeremiah’s dependence on his strength and provision, and that he will rescue him. Yet there is something about God’s rescues that make them a little less timely than dialing 911. He leaves Abraham with his knife raised and ready to plunge into Isaac’s heart, and Isaac waiting for the knife to descend; he leaves Joseph languishing for years in an Egyptian prison; he allows the Israelites to suffer four hundred years of bondage under the Egyptians and leaves those same Israelites backed against the Red Sea with Pharaoh’s chariots thundering down on them. He abandons Jesus to the cross and does not rescue him at all. And then there are those of us who, along with the saints under heaven’s very altar, are groaning under the weight of things gone wrong, waiting for that same Jesus to return and sweep us up with him in power and glory. “How long, O Lord?” we whisper in our weariness and pain.

Indeed, God calls us to battles where the deck appears stacked in favor of those who are his enemies and ours, just to increase the drama of the play. And there is the clear picture, even from God himself, that he does so to enhance his own glory.

(The Sacred Romance , 55)

My True Identity

My father was an abusive, violent alcoholic. I was terrified of him and had deep hatred for him. He died when I was seven years old, and I rejoiced. I have no memories of my father or my mother ever holding me or expressing love for me. I grew up starving for love, nurture, acceptance and affirmation.

I was physically, verbally, emotionally and sexually abused by my father. To the best of my knowledge, the rest of my family did not know. I was introduced to pornography when I was six and molested by an older boy when I was nine.

I suffered from low self-esteem and was extremely shy. I felt a deep sense of shame about myself but couldn’t understand why. As a young boy I felt that no one cared about me or truly loved me. I did not relate to other boys or men and felt more comfortable around girls.

I began acting out sexually with other boys what I had experienced during early childhood sexual abuse. I was only seven years old when I initiated my first sexual encounter with another boy in my neighborhood. I continued acting out sexually until my exposure at age forty-five.

I made a profession of faith in Christ when I was seventeen years old, thinking that God would take away my same-sex attraction and sexual compulsion. Even so, I became deeply depressed. No one knew my secrets, and I no longer felt I could deal with my inner darkness. When in college I made my first attempt at suicide by taking three hundred aspirin tablets. I became gravely ill and was unconscious for two days, but I survived.

I married when I was twenty-one because I didn’t want anyone to suspect my secrets. Foolishly, I also thought marriage might change my desires. Though I married for the wrong reasons, I truly loved my wife and tried very hard to be a good husband and father. She was an incredible lady who expressed deep faith in God and was very loyal to me and to our son. She died in 1988 after a long battle with cancer. I was diligent to keep her from discovering my secrets, and I live with regret that I was never honest with her about my struggle.

I entered into vocational ministry as a way to medicate my profound longings for acceptance, affirmation and significance. As I continued in ministry I was living a life of duplicity. I was a pastor and a university campus minister while also acting out homosexually. Fear of losing what significance and value I felt I had earned was crippling and kept me paralyzed. I often would cry myself to sleep at night, begging God to either heal me or kill me. The enemy knew if he kept me in this unhealthy place I would never recover.

I do not use my childhood abuse as an excuse for my behavior. I take full responsibility for what I have done. While I did not choose my temptations and longings, I did choose to act on those longings; and I chose to not get help until I came to a place of absolute desperation. I believe the Lord loved me so much that He orchestrated my complete exposure to bring me to a place of submission to Him.

While serving as campus minister, I made sexual advances toward a student and was reported and fired. University officials assumed that I had suffered a mental and emotional breakdown due to my wife’s recent death. They also assumed that this was an isolated experience. I was too ashamed to be honest about the depths of my struggle with same-sex attractions and my life of homosexual behavior. I allowed them to believe their assumptions, and as a result I missed an opportunity to begin a journey of healing and recovery.

But God loved me and heard my cry and continued pursuing me. The biblical principle is that God will expose our secrets and bring things into the light (1 Cor. 4:5; Eph. 5:8-13). I always thought if I ever was found out I would end my life because it would be the very worst thing that could happen to me. But it turned out to be the very best thing that happened to me (Gen. 50:20; Rom. 8:28) because God forced me to begin dealing with my brokenness and sin.

God orchestrated the full disclosure of my secrets on Friday night, November 10, 1995, when a group of people confronted me. For the very first time in my life, at age forty-five, I confessed my lifelong battle with same-sex attraction and homosexual behavior.

I hurriedly left that meeting in total humiliation and shame. I pulled my car into the garage and closed the door. I wrote my son a note, grabbed my pillow, went back to the garage and started my car. I went to sleep on the concrete floor, fully expecting never to awaken. I slept through the night and woke the next morning with the car engine still running. I didn’t even have a headache from the fumes. I turned off the engine, threw the note away, loaded a rental truck with all my belongings and moved to Nashville.

I began attending church, and a few weeks later I found myself in the pastor’s office. With great fear and trembling, I began to share my story with him. This was a big moment in my life, and I didn’t know how he would respond. I really don’t know what choices I would have made if he had turned me away.

To my relief, he made arrangements for me to receive counseling. The counselor recommended the book Lifetime Guarantee by Bill Gillham, and it made a profound impact on my life. I also began an intense therapy program with two other therapists, a Christian psychologist assigned to me as a result of my suicide attempt and a counselor affiliated with Exodus International. We continued this counseling relationship for three years.

Another spiritual marker involved an evangelist who came to my church and began a worship service by asking everyone who had never known the love of an earthly father to stand. He then prayed for us.

This experience reached a deep longing in my heart. At the close of the service I found myself at the altar, crying and forgiving my father for the first time in my life. A few weeks later I visited my father’s grave and spoke to him as if he were there with me. This was a major step in my healing journey. The Lord was showing me that He is my Father.

The most important thing the Lord continues to teach me through my recovery process is that authentic Christian faith is not about law, works, flesh or self-effort but about having a personal love relationship with God. In Matthew 22 Jesus was asked, “Which commandment in the law is the greatest?” His answer: “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.” This passage has become my life’s Scripture.

The other vital and life-changing truth the Lord continues to teach me is that I am to embrace and truly believe who God has declared me to be in Christ Jesus. The enemy is out “to steal and to kill and to destroy” (John 10:10). I believe one of his most destructive methods is getting us to a place where we believe his lies about who we are rather than believing the truth of who God says we are in Christ.

I have learned that I am not a homosexual, a fag or a queer. I am not gay, or even ex-gay. I have learned that, in Christ Jesus, I am a righteous son of God—justified, forgiven, holy and blameless, acceptable and accepted, lovable and loved, and a brother to Jesus. This is my true identity.

I continue in a process of change, healing and freedom as I grow in my understanding of these two fundamental truths; continually surrender my mind, will and emotions to Him; and submit to His truth and lordship in my life. I am becoming who the Lord says I am (Rom. 7:24-8:1; 1 Cor. 6:11; 2 Cor. 5:17; Gal. 2:20).

As a result of the redemptive work of Jesus Christ through the Holy Spirit in my life and the Heavenly Father’s grace and mercy, I am no longer controlled by my sexual appetites. In describing my sexual brokenness I can say that what was once a raging fire consuming everything in its path is now nothing more than a small flicker of a flame. This is the ongoing work of the Lord in my life. I have never known greater joy, meaning, hope and purpose.

I feel the Lord has called me to a lifetime of making amends to the Church in general, to Southern Baptists (the denomination in which I was saved and through which I have served in ministry since 1969) and to every individual I have offended and harmed. As I share my story my prayer is that the Lord will work reconciliation and healing in the lives of those I have hurt.

God orchestrated my exposure to bring about my healing and to bring glory to His name, but it still is not easy for me to share my story. I battle with shame and guilt, and I sometimes allow the enemy to discourage me as I think about what I have done.

I know who I truly am in Christ, however, and in that confidence I share what the Lord is doing in my life. My journey is not yet complete, which is true for all of us. But I am learning that my chief purpose is “to glorify God and to enjoy Him forever,” and I know that I will never be the same again.

Richard Holloman is executive director of the Sight Ministry in Nashville, TN. He also serves on the SBC’s “Task Force on Ministry to Homosexuals” http://www.sbcthewayout.com/.

The Church is Playing the Harlot

The prophecy of Hosea is a profound statement to the typical believer and to the typical church of our day. Gomer was Hosea's unfaithful wife who "played the harlot" (2:5) by chasing after other lovers. Though she continued her unfaithful sexual pursuits Hosea loved her and chased after her. In the historical context this is an incredible picture of GOD's love for His people in the Northern Kingdom (Israel). For us today it is a wake up call to face our promiscuous longings for lesser lovers in the place of being overwhelmed by GOD's great passion for us.

Let us (the Church) stop focusing on personal holiness (a list of do's & don'ts). GOD is wooing us. He is jealous when we chase after lesser lovers (it is pornographic to do so & we commit adultery). As we make love with Him we realize no other lover satisfies. This truth radically changes everything about us. May we realize our focus has been in the wrong place. NEVER focus on your behavior. . .ALWAYS focus on GOD.

The real problem with us is not our outward behavior. Our unfaithful behavior is merely symptomatic of a much deeper longing and emptiness within our heart. Our concern must not be focused on our sexual immoral behavior, or on our jealousy and envy, or on our self-centeredness, or on our nature to steal and lie and cheat. Our concern ought to be focused on why we act in such ways. It is a matter of our heart. Our hearts are empty and we are yearning for them to be filled. We pursue everything this world has to offer but we are never ultimately satisfied.

Hosea 6:6 is a clear text on this matter, "For I desire loyalty and not sacrifice (outward religious expression or activity), the knowledge (an authentic intimate love relationship, ie., sexual intercourse)of GOD rather than burnt offerings (religious activity)." Offering sacrificial animals without an inner heart of love for GOD was never a part of the biblical understanding of true salvation and redemption.

(I'm going to get into trouble here but here it goes anyway)-- The ultimate expression of love in our flesh is sexual intercourse fully culminated in orgasm. The Bible expresses our intimacy with GOD as being fully realized when we truly "know" Him (literally as through sexual intercourse).

As our hearts fall in love with our true Lover we will never have to be motivated by preachers or others, we will never have to be prodded, manipulated or made to feel guilty in order to get us to work for GOD. When we truly love our Lover we are motivated by unexplainable & incomparable spiritual pleasure, joy and satisfaction.

GOD's inconsumable love is amazing as we grow in comprehending His eternal promise, "I will take you to be My wife forever. I will take you to be My wife in righteousness, justice, love, and compassion" (2:19). Oh Lover of my soul, Oh Lover Who desires me, may You find me to be faithful only to You!

Longing for Him,
Richard Holloman
Sight Ministry
PO Box 140808
Nashville, TN 37214
615-509-0782

I thought this was an excellent article to share on this day-after-Christmas Day:

Hopeful Post-Christmas Melancholy

Posted: 26 Dec 2009 02:22 AM PST

(Author: Jon Bloom)

Each year Christmas night finds members of my family feeling some melancholy. After weeks of anticipation, the Christmas celebrations have flashed by us and are suddenly gone. And we're left standing, watching the Christmas taillights and music fade into the night.

But it's possible that this moment of melancholy may be the best teaching moment of the whole season. Because as long as the beautiful gifts remain unopened around the tree and the events are still ahead of us, they can appear to be the hope we are waiting for. But when the tree is empty and events are past, we realize we are longing for a lasting hope.

So last night, as Pam and I tucked our kids into bed, we talked about a few things with them:

Gifts and events can't fill the soul. God gives us such things to enjoy. They are expressions of his generosity as well as ours, but gifts and celebrations themselves are not designed to satisfy. They're designed to point us to the Giver. Gifts are like sunbeams. We are not meant to love sunbeams but the Sun.

Putting our hope in gifts will leave us empty. Many people live their lives looking for the right sunbeam to make them happy. But if we depend on anything in the world to satisfy our soul's deepest desire, it will eventually leave us with that post-Christmas soul-ache. We will ask, "Is that all?" because we know deep down that's not all there is. We are designed to treasure a Person, not his things.

It is more blessed to give than receive. What kind of happiness this Christmas felt richer, getting the presents that you wanted or making someone else happy with something that you gave to them? Receiving is a blessing, but Jesus is right—giving is a greater blessing. A greedy soul lives in a small, lonely world. A generous soul lives in a wide world of love.

It's just like God to let the glitter and flash of the celebrations (even in his honor) to pass and then to come to us in the quiet, even melancholic void they leave. Because often that's when we are most likely to understand the hope he intends for us to have at Christmas.

(Originally posted 12/26/07)

A "Safe" Church

The following article was written by a new friend I recently met named Aarron Swartz. His response to the Sight Ministry is much different from what I have often received from typical pastors and typical churches (though there have been some positive exceptions). Aarron is a church planter in East Nashville, TN, and pastors Restoration Church. Please read the article and rejoice with me at what the LORD is doing.

A “Safe” Church
Can I be honest? Of course I can, I am writing this Lewis and I just got back from an associational meeting with other Southern Baptist church planters and I struggled with whether or not I wanted to go. Over the years, I have had bad experiences with associational meetings for various reasons ranging from boredom to politics. Frankly, I have been embarrassed at some of the petty ego issues and manipulative junk I have seen destroy SBC churches over the years. However, I am happy to say that I walked away from today’s meeting feeling hopeful about the future of SBC church planting and especially the leadership of the NBA (not the basketball league.)

In particular I met a man named Richard who has started a ministry for those coming out of a homosexual lifestyle. Richard was a pastor when he himself admitted to his own struggle with homosexuality. He was embraced by his pastor with a redemptive attitude but has seen many who have received only hatred. As we talked, we shared our frustration with the way the homosexual community has been treated and I shared with him the burden God has laid on my heart for them. In the midst of political battles and ignorance, a whole group of human beings have been made out to be something they are not. Let me state this clearly, I believe God has called His church to love all people with the mercy we ourselves have received. Some of us have fallen short by our greed, others by our pride, and still others by sexual sin, but make no mistake ALL have fallen short. ALL need Jesus.

Richard proceeded to tell me that he is looking for “Safe” churches for those struggling with homosexuality. These are churches that will embrace hurting people without judgmental attitudes and condemnation. I almost jumped out of my seat as I said to him “We are that safe church!” ”Please, send these struggling people our way!!!” I cannot tell you how badly I want Restoration church to be a group of people that actively seek out hurting people with the grace of Jesus Christ.

Along with Richard’s story and mission, I heard a planter talk about his family’s burden for muslims in Nashville and all over the world. I listened to a man moved by the plight of the homeless who is mentoring homeless missionaries. I heard Rusty Summerall from the NBA talk about the hurts that the “Church” has caused over the years and his heart to see that change. I saw humble men and women who just wanted to show others the love of Christ. Lewis and I were both very encouraged by what God is doing. Our prayer is that more and more churches will become “safe” churches. I pray that we will be known as a church who loves homosexuals and everyone else for that matter!

Bring it,
Aarron